Bike Lane Battle Royale

Official Coat of Arms

A shield bearing three crossed bicycles rampant, a leaning gabled house perpetually mid-collapse, and a canal ring rendered in Rijksmuseum gold, all beneath a banner reading 'Watch The Cyclist'. Supported on either side by a confused tourist clutching a map upside down.

TripAdvisor Review

★★★★☆ 4/5

"Beautiful canals, incredible museums, and I nearly died four times crossing bike lanes I didn't know existed. My hotel room in the Jordaan was the size of a canal boat and had stairs so steep I needed climbing gear. Also apparently the whole city smells vaguely of waffles and something else near Dam Square that no one wants to name. Still, the Rijksmuseum alone makes it worth the bruised shins."

Property Listing

Charming canal-side residence with 'characterful' 1:2 staircase gradient, exposed beams, and a front door hoisting hook that is not, sadly, decorative. Enjoy front-row views of tourists on rental bikes discovering tram tracks the hard way, all for a price that will make your mortgage advisor weep gently.

Twinned With

Venice — Both cities are slowly sinking under the weight of tourists photographing water they could just as easily see at home.

Supporting Evidence

Amsterdam has more bicycles than people, and an estimated 12,000 to 15,000 of them get fished out of the canals every single year.